ROYAL PAINS in the ice

HankMed Team: Paulo Costanzo and Mark Feuerstein

I didn’t know if I was going to make it to this gig at all! 

It was on the day after I did The Ordained, which went very late and I only got an hour’s sleep before I had to get up in the cold morning chill and prepare a few clothing-change options for this shoot at a relatively nearby Long Island location.  I was foggy and bleary-eyed as I rushed a couple of haphazard “summer outfits” into my clothing bag.  As it turned out, the shoot was at Oheca (rhymes with Bohica) Castle in Woodbury.  

Oheca Castle's "back yard"

The scene was that of a fashion show, and we were all to be a mix of fashionistas, models and wait-staff.  My light jacket and white pants passed muster but had to be accessorized with a rainbow-tie and colorful pocket handkerchief.  The wardrobe guru was pleased and I was now part of the glitterati procession –which included some very attractive tall young female and male models dressed in various expressions of bizarre fashion.   And then the atmosphere got more bizarre.

An announcement was made by one of the PA’s that the shoot was an all-day exterior scene and that we would be paid and extra $250 for our “commitment” (CA-CHING!!!).  It seems that a bunch of extras had already left because none of us were told that we would spend our day outside in frigid, albeit sunny weather –in our SUMMER CLOTHING!?!  The exodus of extras was stalled when the extra-pay-incentive was announced.  Nonetheless, some had decided that being outside in mid-30 degree weather was just not worth it… and packed up to leave.  A new announcement was made that we could wear our winter coats in-between shoots and that other amenities would be provided to keep us warm (chemical heating pads for our hands and feet).  That seemed to calm most fears of the upcoming inhumane working conditions.  The rest of us were greedy enough to risk compromising our health for the extra cash.  I stayed because I wanted to experience the environs of Oheca Castle and ogle the shapely models.

Sam (and the rest of us) trying to stay warm between takes

A few hours passed by and we were all taken to the set outside and placed on our 1’s.  It was breezy and the occasional gusts were making it a frigid experience.  As each of the scenes started up, we had to take off our winter coats and “act like it was the middle of summer”!  At first it was bearable as we all walked about an opulently fountained lawn area that had a round cat-walk at its center.  Models would parade on top of it as a pretty-golden-panted blond “dress-designer” took her bows for the new line of coordinated-shmatta-shiek.  Some of the principals (Mark Feuerstein et al) would dialogue and the rest of us just jaunted about the pebbled paths with mimed obeisance.

Extras with coats between the "summer scene" takes

I was paired with an interesting man, Sam –who as it turned out had a Russian accent with a passion for speaking French and discussing philosophy.  During our chilled waits for “ACTION!” our topic drifted toward the question of whether humanity is getting better or worse.  He explained that he and his wife were optimistic about the future of humanity –I was not.  I put the blame on the ever-increasing world population and the Earth’s diminishing resources.  Eventually, humans would have to compete desperately for food and at that point most of us would be reduced to our brutal “survival instincts”.  Other dour examples provided by me were the ever-increasing mass-murders in recent history a la the “intelligent proponents” of Nazi Germany (doctors, scientists, writers) who intentionally destroyed millions of lives, Stalin’s brutal murders of his own people, today’s terrorists and the lack of compassion in general for the human individual (perhaps inspired by our shivering as the incessant retakes of our scenes continued into the evening hours). 

Fortunately Sam was a good conversationalist with stimulating topics that also provided some laughs and word games which diverted our attention from the gusty cold, as well as the scene specifics that were robotically proceeding around us as time flew by.  By dawn we were frozen and each time we were allowed to go inside to warm up, there were less and less extras to be found for the next scene.  As a few of us were picked for an exterior evening shot, the rest of us were thankful to have been passed over for selection.  We sat around our holding table drinking warm fluids and chatted incessantly (about several “meal violations”; and where was the union representative when we really needed one…).  But the chatter was energizing and it was as though life had returned into our frosted bodies.  Unfortunately, I felt my nose start to get stuffy and a deepening in my voice as laryngitis began to kick in.  The cold temperature exposure and the lack of sleep from last night’s late gig had culminated in my getting sick.

The first to be dismissed were those who had come by bus.  The rest of us, who self-reported by car would have to wait for another two hours before it was felt that our usefulness for the day had been tapped out.  After our vouchers were approved and signed, three of us extras banded together to walk to our cars in the pitch darkness of the cold spring night over Oheca Castle.  It was a few minutes walk to the lot, but we all felt great at the prospects of getting into our cars and turning on the HEAT –basking in the joy that we would be warm bodies again… and contemplating the real meaning of ROYAL PAINS.